Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.