I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.