I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
💻🤡
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.