I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit