I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
BETRAYAL
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it