I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You Might Also Like
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok