I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Here’s a meme
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
How dude HOW?!
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.