I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me buying fruit and veg
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis