I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?