I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up