I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.