I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
🤣dope
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?