@FriedWords: I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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@GrantTanaka: [wife comes out wearing pretty dress] me: that's my favorite dress wife: aww, how swee- m: take it off w: but we need to- m: I wanna wear it
@FrenulumBreve: PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car...DONT TELL ME!. Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
@yonewt: HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER: 1. Pick an adjective 2. Add "AF" 3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule