I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]