6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Who chose this font
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious