@Carbosly: I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
@mattsurely: "I got you this for Valentine's Day."
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
"I think we should see other people."
@cramoska: When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
@sixfootcandy: The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
@miliondollameat: wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby's room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af