@Carbosly: I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something
Me: lol ok whatever
Kid: *tiny cough*
Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA
@ericsshadow: [Target intercom]
"Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."
@cosmicbibi: Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
@MeetingBoy: When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.
@SortaBad: "You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs" - jerk chicken