I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
With this onion ring, I thee fed
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
This raises questions
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No