I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Leaving the Barbers like
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?