*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.