@KentWGraham: Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

@stephenjmolloy: "Nutella causes cancer" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. "Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."

@BreadFoster: I "pet zone" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@tarashoe: religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren't usually religious

@illiter8too: Murder is justifiable if it's against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn't wish to speak.