cause of death:
autopsy.
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.