My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me trying to reach for my goals
Breaking news:
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real