I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.