@richforri: I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won't talk to me on the phone for a week.
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@murrman5: [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
@girlontapas: That awkward moment when he asks you if you're mad and you assure him that you're very happy and he says... "No, I meant, you seem crazy."
@indecision: New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
@LaptopShopWH: When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed