@richforri: I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won't talk to me on the phone for a week.
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@LaziestCanine: [stuck on an island] message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we'll send help
@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
@FXTVaddict: Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke. Boss: 5 times? Me: Yeah I guess. B: ..... M: HR again?
@GrantTanaka: coworker: [talking about having children] me: aww man I can't have children coworker: why me: because I hate them