I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
This is I, Robot all over again
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.