@steveolivas: I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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@lazerdoov: I'm not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won't make eye contact with me.
@amydillon: *ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?