[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
A choir of Spring onions
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.