U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Buying a well is money well spent.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?