I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay