ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
can’t talk my ride’s here
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>