“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything