“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You Might Also Like
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.