@BradBroaddus: I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
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@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls* Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Febreze commercial: "Now we remove her blindfold and..." *has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*