SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I cannot stop laughing at this
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward