I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You Might Also Like
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Guantanamo Bae
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie