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@daemonic3: "I literally can't even!"
-- White girl hanging a picture
@osigat: My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
@jonnysun: TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF--
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
@david8hughes: Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
@Mr_Kapowski: Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?
Me: *puts cat on the phone*
[20 mins later]
Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui
@Annekinns: *Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.