“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
You Might Also Like
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
LOOOOOOL
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!