@zachreinert03: I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn't for me
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@Brianhopecomedy: "Dadd-" "No." "You don't even know what I was going to say!" "You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No."
@onion_an: Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once