I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
The asteroid..
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
🤣✨#caturday