@Laser_Cat: "I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though." - Mountain Men on History Channel
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@pleatedjeans: [blind date] So,where you from? [eyes turn black] T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L Oh nice. ever miss it? [cries blood] Y e s
@StellaRtwot: I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
@gerryhallcomedy: When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don't tell them you need it by a certain date.
@TheTweetOfGod: Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody's gettin' ready for the world's end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?