@KeetPotato: dad, why does my cake say "we dont want a talking cake" "its a long story son"

@Henry_3000: I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn't be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@TheRobCee: Dog The Bounty Hunter's greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

@robfromonline: me: but it says it RIGHT HERE, philippians 4:13 "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me" priest: ok again, the lord is not going to help you [sighs] "get hella laid"

@CroweJam: "I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.