@LindaInDisguise: Walking into WalMart with my kids, "Remember, kids - use your Target voices."

@PinkCamoTO: Me: What are you doing? H: Fantasy football. M: Which football players are you fantasizing about? H: M: H: M: Is that not how it works?

@Sephira: 2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

@longwall26: Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

@GashleyMadison: [at restaurant] -sees baby screaming in high chair -walks over & picks baby up -walks outside & puts baby down "You're free," I whisper.