@robin_991: 6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads. 7yo: why do you need to be a bird? my 7yo is ready for twitter.

@TuSoonShakur: My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.” But I just call a spayed a spayed.

@JohnLyonTweets: To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@AmishPornStar1: You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.

@evanR39: Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet? Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.