@TheRealRHB: Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

@SuperJuanderer: if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, "STOP DOING THAT!"

@onion_an: Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer? Detective: He's white Other detective: A muscular build Me: He kills people

@BlakWidowBarbee: My tweets don't get the attention they used to. I've seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.

@dafloydsta: Covering your ears and screaming "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN" is not appreciated by your coworkers. Apparently.