I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
shit just got real
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*