My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Unimpressed
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying