@Gooooats: I live in my parent's basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth's core.
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@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
@wickedsuga: DON'T TOUCH ME! AND YOU'RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they're hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
@SarcasticAlly12: I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters