Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.