I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.