Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.