I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
how it started vs how it ended
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there