I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Ok but actually
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
A ghost story
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.