I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use