I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment