One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
You Might Also Like
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul