@weinerdog4life: I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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@notacroc: WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
@sameralkhoury: I freak out when i don't see the L and R marks on headphones. There's no way I'm taking that risk.
@fordm: BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg— BRUCE: Bring me a cape
@keyblur_justin: I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort....I'm just kidding. I don't care.