I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Lol.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
same bro
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?