I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
jesus, what did this guy do
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
crochet youtube is brutal
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
There’s always that one guy
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.