Well, my evening plans are ruined
You Might Also Like
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Phonetics
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?