@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
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@brennadine: CUT, CUT!! [Music stops] LOOK IT'S A WESTERN MUSICAL [Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON- [Cat runs off] Meow!
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
@Xoolun: My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.
@oothikicha: Guy: you've been a bad girl. Girl: yes baby, punish me. Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.