@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
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@Kyle_Lippert: The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"
@shegotagronk: Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
@MafiaJoker78: New neighbours just moved in... I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.
@KalvinMacleod: DOG 911: what's the emergency? DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it DOG 911: did u check his hand? DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT