@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
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@RiaWojo: Me texting a friend: I miss you! Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let's hang out! Me: . . . (one week later) Me: I miss you!
@Cheeseboy22: After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was "Elevator Buttons."
@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
@PastorBate: Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.