@Brianhopecomedy: I lost the birth video of my son so I'm at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I'll just zoom in close so my wife won't be able to tell.
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@JimmySelfDest: Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry
@Sickayduh: [First date] "Ok. Don't let her know you're just 40 squirrels in human clothes" "You said that out loud"
@ninjadinosaur1: I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.