I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You Might Also Like
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004