If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
🙂🐾
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME