@WilliamRodgers: My buddy's PRETTY drunk... So I took the car key off of his keychain... He's been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@arandomhim: I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt

@ShaneKnowsStuff: The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

@KKAlThani: I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like "Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?" & we stay up talking about it.

@SCbchbum: I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a "small coffee flavored coffee" in Starbucks.